I haven’t been able to have a f*cking normal Fourth of July since I was like 19. My ass was always working some stupid customer service job, where I’d get to listen to some dumb b*tch go on and on about how great their holiday is gonna be; meanwhile, mine’s just going to continue to suck major ballsack, because I’m never able to get home in time for any of the festivities.
Why I thought this year was going to be any different was just pure misguided hope. Of course, the one time I’m like 100% guaranteed not working on this godforsaken holiday, our government overlords had to step in and rain on my f*cking parade, and outlaw lights bursting in the night sky. Like, as if people weren’t going to be in groups regardless? Idk, in my opinion, that whole decision was complete retardation in its finest form.
So, anyways, instead of having the fun traditional Fourth, my family decided to hightail it up to the tippy-top of this giant mountain and camp for a few days. I don’t know what the f*ck happened to me, like I used to really like camping, but holy sh*t this whole entire experience sucked dick, and not in the fun way.
Like, where do I even begin? How does one start their epic misadventure into the goddamn depths of Hell and it’s eternal rain of fire?
I suppose it all started when I was informed that, instead of utilizing our practically untouched camping trailer, we’d be using f*cking tents, like we live in f*cking 1890 or some sh*t! Um, I’m all about being in the great outdoors, but Jesus Christ, we have the f*cking ability to bring along the simplified comforts of home! This isn’t Naked and Afraid, like I seriously have no clue why my family had to torture my ass with this stupid bullsh*t.
But, I love my family, so I like really, really tried to be positive. I honestly did. How bad could a couple of days in a tent be?
I guess that I should’ve knocked on wood after thinking that or something, because I literally hated every single second that slowly ticked by during this horrible trip. Like I have a few hard limits: I don’t do bugs, and I don’t do cold. And I was dealt that sh*t tenfold.
I guess being such a flaming homo for so long makes you smell like a literal fruit. Because, while everyone else was just having a grand ol’ time, my ass was literally being swarmed by every single f*cking fly and mosquito in the goddamn forest. To make it worse, the bug spray was this freaky-ass oily bullsh*t. So, I was forced to sit around and clog all my f*cking pores with grease, and I was still attacked by giant hordes of insects.
Then came nightfall, and sh*t got real cold, real fast. We weren’t allowed to have fires where we were camping, so I had to sit in the dark, while my balls ascended up into the farthest reaches of my stomach, searching in vain for the tiniest semblance of warmth. I had my mom give me some Melatonin, figuring that I couldn’t be miserable if I’m knocked out, but alas, sleep never came.
Everyone else, because they’re couples and I’m a loverless loser, got to sleep on air mattresses. I’m a f*cking sprawler, but I was given this ratty old cot, like I’m in some demented boot camp scenario. Plus, my dog Pepper would like not get the f*ck off of me. So, on top of my already limited range of motion, I had a giant ass dog with all its weight directly on my kneecaps, and it was getting so cold that my nips could literally cut straight through diamond.
So, I just laid there in the tent. Slowly dying of hypothermia, watching all the trapped bugs fly around my head, listening to the excruciatingly loud snores of my parents, and praying that God just f*cking kill me already, and take me away from this sh*thole.
Like, everyone knows that I get cold super easy, yet I was only given a simple sleeping bag to provide me with heat. My parents told me that I shouldn’t complain so much. Well, maybe don’t give me so much to f*cking complain about, and it wouldn’t be an issue. Like this whole experience is Hell on Earth, and I’m not about to play along in this little fantasy of theirs, that this is somehow a good time.
The freezing night turned into cold morning. My legs have gone completely numb from Pepper constricting much needed blood flow to my lower half, I had to kill this giant ass spider before it climbed into my sleeping bag, and I didn’t even get to sleep one bit.
I got out of the tent, making tons of noise, knowing it’d wake up my Mom. If my ass was forced to have a terrible morning, I’m taking someone else down with me.
It was like 6 AM, I got all wrapped in that sh*tty sleeping bag, and made myself walk around camp in circles, hoping it’d help me generate some sort of body heat. My teeth were chattering nonstop, and there was no trace of sunlight to bask in yet. My Mom finally climbed out of the tent, complaining that she couldn’t sleep at all either, and thank f*cking god, too. It’s always nice to know that you’re not the only one who had a rough night, ya know?
The day warmed up, and we had to follow my Dad around to all these lame fishing spots. I twisted my ankle like twice in the creek, and still had to deal with the constant onslaught of insects all over me. After a few hours, and catching a whopping zero fish, we finally went back to camp.
I guess that nobody, besides my Dad, had a good night, because after the day was over, and we were all about to repeat the same sh*t from the night before, my older brother was the one who suggested that we pack up, and get the f*ck outta Dodge.
Obviously, I was thinking the same sh*t, but I was prepared to sacrifice my better judgement, and power through another awful night in this place. But, right after he said that, I definitely jumped on board, and surprisingly, everyone else did too. So, within 30 minutes, I was in a warm truck, on my way to a hot shower, and an amazing bug-free bed with real blankets.
I know, I know, I sounded like a huge bitch during this entire ordeal, but that’s just because I am one. I’m a f*cking prince, not a goddamn pauper. I sleep on warm mattresses, and I Raid the f*ck out of any bug that dares cross my path. I guess that I can be a little high-maintenance, but we all have our bad traits. Just don’t take me to the middle of nowhere, during insects’ breeding season, and force me to sleep on a cot in a tent with no source of substantial warmth, when you have a f*cking camping trailer at your disposal, and you will never see this side of me.
I love the way you tell stories.