Speaking of the school farm, I have some pretty f*cked up memories about that place. You probably thought it was all sunshine and rainbows, but nobody talks about the smell of pig shit permeating the air, or all the nasty sexual deviancy that took place. In fact, there are two instances of gross perversion that come to mind, and today we’ll talk about the lesser of the two evils.
Like all good stories, we shall start at the beginning.
Okay, so, once upon a time, it was the middle of summer, and HOLY SH*T it was like BLAAAZING hot. My back was literally a waterfall, just copious amounts of sweat oozing out of every single pore on my body, it was like I was overdosing on Ecstacy or somesh*t. Anyways, I just got done feeding my cow Lucy, when this giant SUV pulls up to the farm. Obviously, I rolled my eyes like “WTF are these city-slickers doin’ here, this ain’t no Louis Vuitton”.
A family of four gets out of the car, and they’re super cute, like visually the perfect little family. They walk over to me, and say that they’ve come to check out the animals to entertain their kids. Even though I didn’t have to, I’m a really nice guy, so I decided to show them around. The parents were obsessed with my cow, so I let them chill with Lucy, and the kids really wanted to go see the pigs. A huge mama pig just had her babies like a few days earlier, so I walked them over to the farrowing barn, which ended up being a decision that haunts me to this very day.
So, the farrowing barn is like probably the single most disgusting place to ever exist, and that’s not even an exaggeration. The piglets sh*t literally 24/7, and there’s zero ventilation going on, so the stench is enough to bring you to your knees on a normal day, just imagine how much worse it gets when it’s hot outside. I told the kids to wait a second, so I can let the room air out, and make sure the piglets are okay.
I yank the plywood door open, and my jaw drops to the f*cking floor. I was completely in shock. There was Shelly, this chick from school, almost completely naked, getting her tits sloppily groped by some dude. She sees me and screams, but I don’t know what to do! I’m totally disturbed, and in this state of trauma I couldn’t think of what a normal person would do in this situation, so I just like tried to calmly walk up to the baby pigs and pretend like I just didn’t see anything. Shelly just keeps repeating “Oh my God”, which keeps adding to my stress. Without looking at them, I loudly announce that there’s some kids that want to look at the piglets. The dude walks up to me, and I can’t even bare to look at his face, and he says in this super freaky tone to bring them over. I just nodded, used that as my exit, and gently shut the door behind me.
I never wanted to puke more in my entire life. Who the f*ck does that!? It’s a room full of actual diarrhea and a good 10 degrees hotter than it was outside. So they’re just rubbing their nasty sweaty bodies all over each other, breathing in poop particles, listening to the high-pitched squeals of baby pigs, like is that a fetish? I can’t even wrap my head around it. Like your car is literally parked right over there, go do this sh*t somewhere else, like what a bunch of f*cking weirdos. And what does he mean to “Bring them over”, I’m not bringing little kids anywhere f*cking near you guys, a bunch of degenerates.
So, I obviously told the kids that the piglets were unavailable, and I showed them the chickens and sheep instead. Meanwhile, I’m trying to scrub my brain of all details of what just took place, but to no avail, it was permanently downloaded onto my mental hard drive for all eternity, so all I could do was cry myself to sleep at night.
The next day, during school, the dude finds me. I’m like freaking out, why the hell does he want to talk to me? Just leave me alone, so I can pretend you don’t exist, and that yesterday was just a bad dream. He gets me alone, and just begs and pleads for me to not say a word, to keep this a secret between myself, him, and Shelly. I was way more than happy to oblige, and to never have to think about this again.
6 years is enough time for the shock to wear off, so now I have no issue talking about this horrendous event. Plus, it’s not like I’m using their real names, so I’m still basically keeping it a secret. I don’t know what happened to them, but if they’re still together, I hope they find the finest diarrhea-room that they could ever dream of, and I wish them the best of luck in life.
That’s the first story, the second story is sooooo much worse, to the point where there had to be a police investigation that took months to conclude. Stay tuned and I’ll tell ya all about it!
