I used to be a fatass. Like 184 pounds of thick bubbling lard. Emphasis on the “Used to be”, since now I’m obviously gorgeous. But, this next story is gonna take place when Chasey had a little extra junk in his trunk, and looked like a butterball.
So, we were in biology class, so that means it was Sophomore year in high school. My entire grade was completely out of control, like the middle school had to warn the high school about us upon our graduation, we were that gnarly to handle. And, this specific day of Biology class, we had a substitute teacher, which means she had just entered the iron gates of Hell.
While she tried to follow the lesson-plan and teach us about cells, we were busy causing a giant scene all over the room. After being taunted, mortified, and then unanimously ignored by all of us, the sub finally called it quits, huddled up into the corner, and stared at her computer for the remainder of the period. Which gave us room to be even crazier.
Can’t remember who, but someone suggested we take a class photo. We’re millennials, so we broke out into a huge frenzy when we heard the word “Photo”. Everyone started to mash the desks together into one giant blob, climbing on top, getting into the most picturesque position possible.
Even though I was this ugly giant blob myself, I made sure I was at the forefront of the picture. My hideousness never affected my love of the limelight. It took a good 10 mins for everyone to get situated, and happy with their angles. Then we were finally ready to capture this blip in time.
Right behind me was my cousin Alex. We aren’t really cousins, or anything, we’ve just always told people that since elementary school. In reality, she’s a great niece of my half-brother’s dead grandfather’s brother’s wife. Anyways, she was behind me, and then the countdown for the snapshot began. 1…2…3… and BOOM! Alex pushed me off the desks as the camera whirled.
All anyone saw was a huge mound of flab fly through the air. As I cascaded back down to the floor from the heavens, I could see my point of landing, which was another desk. Realizing in those few brief seconds that this would hurt real bad, I tried to force myself to the side. Which was pretty effective, yet not effective enough.
As gravity pulled my weight back to the floor at alarming speeds, my huge blubbery asscheek kissed the side of the desk, as a giant crackling noise surged through the school. Apparently, my asscheek dominated that sissy desk, causing it to shatter into a gazillion pieces. The class roared into hysterical laughter, as the sub looked around in horror of what she allowed to take place. Kiss her job goodbye.
I collected a shard of the splintering wood as a momento. It circled the classroom, and just like a yearbook, everyone signed it. I still have it shoved into my memory chest in the corner of my closet. After class, dozens of people surrounded me asking to tell the story, turning me into a God for the day, a chubby God with a bruised ass, but a God nonetheless.
