This is the story about when i took my friend to her first party. Obviously, I’ll be changing up the names, because some of this sh*t is embarrassing, like super embarrassing, but funny, all the same. Anyways, it all started out like a Friday, or maybe it was a Saturday, but definitely not a Sunday, because that was a school night. But, it was towards the end of our Sophomore year, and all of my friends were starting to go to parties, myself included. So, when I heard about the party coming up that weekend, I invited one of my best friends, Hayley, to come with. However, Hayley had like super strict parents. Her mother had some major anxiety issues, and wouldn’t let Hayley do anything, especially at night. So, we took the oldest trick in the book, and told her parents she was spending the night at a trustworthy friend’s house, and it surprisingly somehow managed to work. Fast-forward to the weekend, and we roll up to the scene in my gross ass brown ’94 Corolla. The scene being a dirt patch in the middle of a field, that was named “Pearl Harbor”, which was weird because it wasn’t even near any water. Hayley and I arrived just as everyone else was getting there, too. But, there was already some older dude there, all by himself. Not wanting to find somewhere else to party, we all asked him if we could hangout there as well. Obviously, he agreed, because only a dick would say no to a bunch of kids trying to get wasted. So, the fiesta starts, and well all start gobbling down alcohol, like it was milk straight from God’s tit, or something. However, I was trying to stay pretty clear-headed, because i needed to watch out for Hayley, since this was her first time drinking, and all. Parties at my high school were SUPER lame.
We all would just stand around, and drink. It was all pretty boring to me, but it seemed like it was the only thing to do back then. So, I started to look around the campsite we were at, and even looked into the bed of that older dude’s truck, who was just chilling, and drinking our beer. I noticed he had a bunch of chainsaws, and shovels, etc. Which freaked me out for some reason, so I told my friends about it, and we all questioned him a bit. He’d said that he was just visiting the area, and was cutting branches off of trees. His story didn’t sit right with me. I mean, who visits random small towns, by themselves, with a bunch of chainsaws, to go around, and chop branches off of trees? He definitely gave me a weird vibe, but my friends seemed content with his answer, so I just carried on with the night. About an hour after that, we were low on liquor, and weren’t at that comatose level of drunkenness, that we all craved. We all had money to pitch in for more, but none of us were over 21, besides one person: that older dude. Who totally agreed to go buy us some more drinks, but required one of us to go with him. Not wanting to go, all of my friends sacrificed Hayley, and she was to be the one to accompany the older dude, much to my dismay. Until then, Hayley had been drinking, and I could tell she was pretty buzzed. And, I realized I definitely needed to watch her, because she was really effected by the alcohol, and this Freshman boy was on her like a fly. My paternal instincts were kicking in, and Hayley was my baby. So when the group volunteered her to go, I protested her to stay, but she excitedly hopped into the older dude’s truck anyway, and they drove off into the dark. I was so freaking worried. This weird-ass dude, that none of us know, just took my inebriated friend to God know’s where. Time seemed to go by so slowly, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him being some serial killer, and carving up Hayley with those chainsaws. It seemed like forever had past, and I expressed my worries to my friends, who nonchalantly agreed that they got a weird vibe from the dude, too. Which, made me worry even more.
Finally, they returned, and I assessed Hayley to be fully unharmed, which made me so relieved. The night went on, and we all got drunker, but I was making sure to keep an eye on Hayley, who was getting more wild. All of a sudden, my friend Danica came up to me with some Fireball. She was a huge party girl, always having fun, and had been drinking since like the 8th grade, so, she was like a veteran, compared to me. So, when she asked me to take shots with her, i was totally all for it. I wanted to be fun, and exciting, just like she was. I forget what we talked about, but holy sh*t we were like chugging that fireball, together; I wanted to puke so bad. I, finally, realized that I’d been distracted from watching Hayley. And, she was like no where to be seen. I start to get worried again. I look around, and i notice that the Freshman kid, from earlier, is gone, too. I start badgering the group about Hayley’s whereabouts, and they reluctantly tell me that she’s behind the walls of a sheep pen, on the edge of the field, giving a blowjob to that Freshman boy. I was in shock, how could they let this happen to someone they call their friend? But, I realized, they were all pretty drunk themselves. So, I waited for Hayley to come back over. I was so mad when she came back, she made a very bad decision. I was mostly mad at myself, because I knew this was all new to her, and she wasn’t in her normal state of mind. I tried to scold her, but she was like sloppy drunk, at this point. Plus, that little Freshman douche, told everyone that she’d practically mutilated his dick back there. So everyone was making jokes about Hayley, who couldn’t understand what was going on. At that point, I was ready to go, and get Hayley out of here. So i was making rounds, saying goodbye to everyone, when, all of a sudden, Hayley grabs me. She had that Freshman guy by the hand, and in slurred words, in front of everybody, asked for the keys to my car, because she wanted to get f*cked in the backseat. Of course, I was like ‘F*ck no, you can’t have sex in my backseat, you crazy b*tch’, and especially not with the same dude who was just embarrassing you in front of everyone. I get Hayley away from the douche, and tell her it’s time to go. Realizing that I forgot that I wasn’t even supposed to drink that night, and couldn’t drive, I made the decision to call dear old Mom & Dad, to pick me us up, and take us to safety.
I was so surprised that my parents weren’t mad that I’d been drinking, and said that they were glad that I was responsible enough to call them. It was all so bizarre, but I just rolled with it. Thankfully, like, 10 minutes later, we get picked up, and Hayley passes out big time in the backseat. We get home, I pulled the snoring Hayley out of the car, and, like metal to a magnet, she’s face down in the toilet, puking her brains out. I stayed up with her, to make sure she’s okay, and, once she finally stopped spewing, I tucked her into the guest room bed, and she was out, like a light. The following morning, I get Hayley up, clean up the mountain of dirt she left behind in the bed, and take her home. We laughed about all the things I said she did, and about the blowie with that Freshman guy, and told her to expect people to be talking about it come Monday. Which they did, but, no one actually made fun of her. Apparently, everyone thought it was an hilarious story, even Hayley. They even jokingly started calling her ‘The Meat Grinder’, which was like so f*cking hilarious, and it just became one of those “Remember When…” types of stories, that we would talk about at random times. Even though she did a bunch of embarrassing shit that night, I’m so glad Hayley didn’t receive a bad outcome from it. I mean, I’m sure she didn’t like the whole Meat Grinder thing, but, I guess, everyone gets an embarrassing nickname, one way, or another. After that, I decided it was my first, and definitely my last time, taking newbies to out for their first drunken escapade. I was seriously on the brink of a heart attack a few times there, I was so worried. Especially, when that older dude, with the chainsaws, took her away in his truck. That was some super sketchy sh*t that we did, we really didn’t know the guy, at all. But, anyways, even though some questionable things happened, that night ended up ending on a good note, and the Ol’ Meat Grinder and I, still crack up about that night, to this day.
