There was a time when my shoulders were as white as a baby’s a*s. Perfect, undamaged skin. That all changed, however, as terrible as it is. So, it was the summer of 2013, and I had just gotten my license. Obviously, I was going to be picking up my friends all the time to go swimming at the lake, because it gets super unbearably hot in my hometown. One day, Angel, Baylee, and I roll up to the lake, on a particularly sunny day. The girls get all slippery with their tanning oil, and sprawl out on the beach. We played some music, and just soaked in all those yummy cancerous rays, straight from our pal Sol. A little time passed, and we swam some. We all sloshed our wet bodies back onto dry land, and immediately begin to bake in the sun again, however. By this time, I’m starting to feel the burning on my shoulders begin. I high tail it off to my beige ’94 Corolla, in search of sunblock, to ease my precious dermis. I looked high and low for some quality SPF, and found nothing. Devastated that I can’t protect myself, I walk back over to my friends. Halfway there, a brilliant idea bursts into my head. I could just use my friends’ suntan oil! What a perfect plan. Apparently, when I was but a stupid teenager, thought that the tanning oil allows your skin to get cooked just enough for that sexy, sultry tan, but protected you against a full-on sunburn. Angel and Baylee let me use it, though. In fact, they encouraged me to use it to prevent sunburns, those demonic bitches! So I lather up my body, get that glisten from the oil, and I’m ready to not get a sunburn. Yeah, so I was wrong about, pretty much, EVERYTHING to do with tanning oil. An hour later, my shoulders are toast, for sure. The day ends, and I drop off my hysterically-laughing-at-my-expense friends at their homes, and, surprisingly, not off a cliff. I was seriously infantile after that night. In the morning, I could barely move, my skin was tight and blistering. There was tons of gross bubbles and oozing scabs all over my upper-back. Every movement I made had to be quick, like ripping off a Band-Aid, or I’d be on the floor in crippling pain. A cool shower seemed absolutely amazing, so I hobbled over to the bathroom. The shower gets turned on, and I maneuver my naked, deformed body into the tub. What was going to be an awesome blessing of sweet coolness on my burnt crackled skin, turned into complete Hell. I could literally feel every droplet of water hitting my back. Each felt like razorblades lacerating my raw, wounded skin. I was not about to deal with all of this shit, so I used my smartphone smartly and googled up some ways to help. After heaps of bogus home-remedies, I discover Solarcaine. Which I instantly loved, and wondered why nobody ever used this shit! It’s, pretty much, just a numbing spray. A numbing spray that works very well. Like, you apply it, and then it’s like your sunburn is gone. You can’t feel that excruciating sting, and you can FINALLY knock out for a few hours without waking up crying, which is great, if you ask me. You could probably sit there, spray this Solarcaine all over your burn, and be able scratch off your rotting dead skin without feeling anything. I keep this shit stocked up in the summer months. Now, I don’t even have to deal with sunburns. I mean, there’s still going to be sunburns there, but you won’t even know they’re there. But, if you’re a weirdo and you get a thrill from the torment of UV burns, then, by all means, don’t get Solarcaine. If you’re like me, however, and want to transcend beyond the limitations of sunburn pain, then I’d get some Solarcaine. Like, Why would you choose to suffer instead?
