There’s always that day when you come to find out, your parents are people too. They have urges, and by urges, I mean they get horny and proceed to get down n’ dirty, no matter how old. Unfortunately, some of us stumble upon this realization way before others, and some also have to repeatedly stumble and realize it throughout their childhood. Yes, I’m one of them. Yes, I now go to therapy 6 times a week. Let’s see, I was 9 years old, and it was a bright, quaint Sunday morning. I slowly arose from my childlike slumber, and rolled onto my side. My dog Samantha was snoozing it up next to me, and I snuggled closer to her. But Samantha, though cute and cuddly, just wasn’t cutting it for me. Who could possibly replace her? Mother, of course! I launched out of bed, but quietly crept to their door. I sighed in relief when I saw that their door was cracked. It means I wouldn’t have to open it and wake my parents, and I can just sneak my way next to my mom. As I grinned, thinking of how warm a snuggly my mom was going to be, I peaked in.
What I saw? My mom was bent over the bed and my dad went to town on her. I knew what this was. It’s what all us kids would whisper about and giggle. We wouldn’t even say the word, we would just spell out “S-E-X”.
I was horrified, my parents didn’t do that, or so I thought. Just as I was beginning to puke in my mouth, Samantha came running up to me. This doesn’t seem like a big deal, but we had hardwood flooring. So her dog nails clicked on the floor, and thus, alerted my parents. My mom quickly said for my dad to get off of her because if Samantha is up, Chase is up. She was right, I was up, being permanently scarred. I sped to my room without making a sound, and got under the covers. I faced the wall, and I heard my mother come in for a brief second. I laid there, motionless, traumatized. Then, after a few seconds, I heard their bedroom door shut and she said that I’m asleep and to “get back in her”. I cried. It was beyond gross. I couldn’t look them in the eyes without seeing them “making love”. Ugh, disgusting. Advance three years to when I was 11 years old. The former memory had faded, and my parents became themselves again. I was happy living in this false dreamland where my parents slept close at night, but not too close. It was in the early night, I’d say around 7:30 PM. My mom was supposed to help me with my homework. It was math, and I suck at math. Her and my dad had just showered and were in their room changing into pajamas.
Thing was, it doesn’t take 15 minutes to put PJ’s on. I grew impatient, and turned their door knob. It didn’t budge. So I got even more impatient. I walked outside, over to their window. It was in the warmer months, so I knew that it’d be cracked open. I peered through the blinds, about to speak, but the words didn’t come out. This was due to the shock of seeing my mom’s face. People like the look of satisfaction, but I didn’t like it on my mother’s face, you know, as my dad pile drived her on the bed. Wasn’t a pretty sight, let me tell you. I just went to bed after that. I was done, life was over. My parents were going to hell, or something like that. I wouldn’t even let my mom hug me with her tainted body.
Next, it was a few years later, I want to say around 14. This one is a little different, though. I was rummaging through my parents dresser looking for change they kept in them. Instead of nickels and dimes, I came across a black satin bag. It was a beautiful bag, with a red heart printed on its soft fabric. I was curious, obviously. So I opened the bag. I grabbed the object out and studied it. It was just a stupid pen. Why would this pen need to be in this bag in the back of the drawer? I clicked the top, then it started to buzz and vibrate. It caught me off guard. Initially, I thought it was cool. After that brief 5 seconds, I realized this was no pen. This was a vibrator. My mom’s personal one. I freaked out and threw it in the air. It just sat there buzzing at me like an animal, like a freaky buzzing pen-shaped animal. All I could think was about what I had just touched. I hadn’t touched my mom’s no-no square since I popped out of her womb. And since I just touched her vibrator, which touched her thingy, that means I pretty much touched it, too. I was gagging. I was picturing my mom cuddling me and all those lovely childhood memories we shared together, then there was just this black buzzing object rattling on the floor. I went to the kitchen, grabbed the tongs, and went back to her room. I picked it up and placed back into the bag. I didn’t want to get vagina juice residue all over me (I didn’t know they cleaned it). As I placed it in its precise location, I came across a bottle. Stupid me picked it up. It read “Nipple Nibbler”. It made my mom’s nipples taste like watermelon so my dad could suck it off. My parents were freaks, they were sexual deviants, at least they were to my teenage mind. Thoroughly disgusted, I went outside and contemplated life. This was my mommy. She was supposed to be a saint. She would never do this, I couldn’t even imagine it. It was just too ‘icky’. I decided to call them out on it. I announced my findings over spaghetti that night. They laughed their asses off, and I just sat there with a stern disapproving look on my face. Then my dad started telling the tale of when I was 3 years old. My mom’s eyes got big and she hit him on the arm, and told him not to say anything. Oh but Daddy did anyways. Apparently, I went into their room when I was just a tot. And when I came out, I was slapping a huge jelly-like vibrating dildo on my neck. I thought it was a back massager. Nope, it was my parents’ fu*k toy, and I was rubbing it all over my body. What’d they do? They laughed. Finally took it away from me after God knows how long.
After the story, I just sat there at the table. Looked at my spaghetti. I couldn’t believe they were truly like that. They were old, and old people aren’t supposed to have sex. Safe to say, my soul perished that day. And even to this day, when the blind blows, if you listen closely, you can hear the thumping of their headboard against the wall.
