I really dislike shots. Don’t know about you, but there’s always been something about being taken away to get stabbed, and have your veins flooded with some unknown-to-you concoction of chemicals, that’s induced a certain fear inside me. So, naturally, I’ve accumulated a decent track record of causing a giant scene whenever I’m carted off to the torture chambers of the local hospital.
One ginormous scene I thrashed down was when I was a little 9 year old boy. We were all just chilling in my mom’s friend’s office at the hospital. We were making jokes, laughing, and I was cozy sitting on my mother’s lap. That’s when the dark storm clouds rolled in, in the form of my family physician, carrying none other than a f*cking flu shot in his sinister clutches.
I was so not having it. I was having a mental explosion as the tears streamed down my face, while my mom kept me imprisoned in her arms. Thankfully, my older brother went first. I watched as the sharp needlepoint was hammered into his arm, spraying its contents into his body. After that amazing visual, I was confident that I wasn’t about be part of this sh*t.
So, when the doctor was filling his syringe, preparing to brutally impale my arm like a psychopath, I felt my distracted mother’s grasp loosen considerably. Which I totally took to my advantage. Right when the doctor turned merrily around, I knew what was to come, so I definitely entered fight-or-flight mode.
Except I’m a bitch, so I flew my ass out of there. Like, literally, I was a puff of smoke. I was down the hall before anyone had a clue what had happened. Soon there was a herd of wild nurses in hot pursuit after me. There was so much noise, and I was so afraid, I had no idea where to go. I felt all the hot tears burn down my face, as I slowed down to collect myself. During that brief second, my tiny ass was sacked by a barrage of gigantic employees.
They all piled on me until I was nothing more than a human pancake. I was thrashing around, trying to break loose, while I felt my ribs break into each other, and my lungs collapse from the immense pressure they were under. I started to literally screech when someone started to pry my arm forward, and mash it into the cold hard tile flooring.
They kept my head bent, so I didn’t even have a chance of seeing anything. But, I sure as hell felt the jab of the needle enter my arm. I cried, and screamed some more, and then BOOM it was all over. The storm clouds disappeared, the nurses got off of me, and my mom gave me a nice big hug. I got a really cool Scooby-Doo bandaid, and was handed my favorite strawberry lollipop.
Needless to say, I left a happy camper. But, yeah, I can get sufficiently crazy, especially when it comes to trying to inject me with sh*t. So when all the nursing staff sat there smiling and waving goodbye, I couldn’t help but think to myself that I’ll be seeing you all f*cking next year bitches , and it sure as hell won’t be as easy. I’m talking pupils are going to get punctured, gullets are gonna be slit, you guys all just wait and see.
