So, it all began when I met Will on Grindr. I live in this tiny mountain town excluded from normal society, so it’s definitely slim f*cking pickings way up here. Coming from LA where you have a massive selection to choose from to having practically zero is a huuuge adjustment to have to deal with. So when Will hit me up, I was like a little puppy dog starved for attention. It also helped that he was really cute, like the cutest boy within a 50 mile radius of me.
Will and I get together and we head even further into the wilderness. There’s no cell service, so thank God he wasn’t an axe murderer or else my ass would be mounted above his fireplace right now. I mean, I guess it’d be a compliment to be his trophy, but I’d rather use my ass for different things and also it’d be great to like not be brutally mutilated either.
Anyways, we finally get to this secluded little spot called Brush Creek. That’s when one of the hottest makeout sessions I’ve ever had the monumental pleasure to be involved in took place. Like straddling his hips, pressed up against the side of his truck, just feeling all over each other. Was f*cking great.
We’re working ourselves up to a fever pitch, when all of a sudden, out of the blue, we hear this massive shriek come from close by.
We sprint over to where it came from and all we see is this crazy ass dude brandishing a knife and this chick in like complete hysterics. This dude is yelling sh*t like “This bitch is crazy!” and how she stole his keys and like just wouldn’t shut the f*ck up.
The girl was bawling while telling me that he’s trying to kill her, so my natural instinct was to get her the f*ck outta there. She has all of her sh*t in her arms, so I tell her to get into the truck and that we’d take her somewhere safe.
We’re racing down the road back into town and I’m holding her hand the entire way, just trying to console her after that whole ordeal.
I find out her name is Sloane and she begins telling me the entire backstory of her situation. Apparently she’s from Fairbanks, Alaska. All she’s trying to do is make her way to Louisiana to see her daughter. She said that she trusted that guy to take her there, but now he’s taking her in the complete opposite direction and was trying to pimp her out.
My heart poured with concern and compassion at this poor lost lamb I had just shepherded from the slaughter as she bleated her tale of woe and misfortune. I immediately told her that we needed to go to the police but she was super against it. She said she doesn’t trust nor want anything to do with them. So I told her that I work at the brewery just a little ways more down the road, and my friends there would know how to help her.
The girls at the brewery told me exactly what I had originally thought to do and that’s go to the f*cking police. So that wasn’t much help at all.
So I thought “Hmm… What if we take her to the rangers station?”. I mean, they’re kind of like the police without actually being the police, right? Well I never found out because they were f*cking closed when we got there.
Will and I finally convince Sloane that the right thing to do is to just go to the sheriffs. It was at this point that I had to leave. The sheriff’s station is a good ways away from where we were at and I had to get up early the next morning. So everything that came afterwards is what poor Will had to deal with. The dude probably just wanted to get his dick sucked but unfortunately he chose me, and I can never have just a normal experience ever. It’s like I’m the prime example of f*cking Murphy’s Law or something.
Anyways, Will is on his way to the sheriff’s station. They were almost there when Sloane pulls out a f*cking meth pipe and goes “Ehh just take me to the Tank Park and I’ll be fine.”.
After trying to get Will to smoke some crank with her, they roll up to the park. Lo and behold, the crazy dude from earlier is already there. So Will does what we probably should’ve just done from the very beginning and calls the sheriffs. He was nice and told Sloane that she should probably go hide her pipe so she doesn’t get into trouble when they arrive.
Once the sheriffs finally get there, Sloane is busy having a loud argument with the crazy dude while Will is getting basically interrogated. After he explains everything to them and is free to go, the last thing he sees is Sloane screaming at the sheriffs and immediately being put into the back of their cruiser.
My jaw was on the f*cking floor, dude. After Will told me what happened, I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe everything she said was just a big fat lie. I couldn’t believe I let myself be deceived like that. Actually, on second thought, I can believe it after my dumb ass was in Scientology. But, in the moment, it was soooo unbelievable.
Apparently it was obvious that Sloane was a meth head. Will told me afterwards. The girls at the brewery told me afterwards. I guess everyone knew except for stupid ol’ me.
So I forfeited a hot night with an equally hot dude for this chick, just to find out that she’s a bat shit crazy tweaker.
I definitely learned my lesson. The next time I hear a bitch scream in the middle of nowhere, my ass is headed in the opposite direction.
