I got one of those Facebook memory things the other day, and I totally forgot how weird I really am. So incredibly weird that, 6 years ago, I spent a good 2-3 hours photoshopping a family portrait depicting Selena Gomez, myself, our future children together, along with our beloved Great Dane named Cow. I even remember naming all of my fake kids, couldn’t tell ya what they were now, but yeah I was obviously getting super creepily in-depth with my little fantasy world.
But, if you know me, you know that I’m a definite fan of the eggplant emoji. And, as far as I’m aware, Selena Gomez doesn’t have an eggplant between her thighs. So, the whole reason why would I go through all of the trouble of creating this, is because Selena, bless her heart, was totally my beard growing up.
So, whenever anyone would ask, I was madly in love with Selena. Just couldn’t get enough, my eggplant was constantly hard for her. Which is exactly what I wanted people to believe. When, truthfully, my eggplant was completely and utterly buckwild for Liam Hemsworth.
To further prove that I was a 100% heterosexual, I bought her poster, and hung it up right across from my bed. This was to give off the impression that I was thinking of her whenever I got “intimate”, you know? However, it was the poster from her Wizards of Waverly Place show, so she totally looked like a 12 year old, so all of my friends would laugh at me, and thought I was like going to end up being a future ChoMo or something.
Surprisingly, people bought the whole act. Selena did her job, and she did it well. She was the bushiest beard I could find, and I’m happy with the years I’ve spent with her. But, thank god I don’t have to pull any of that BS anymore. It’s so much easier being honest with people, and just telling them straight up that I’m a big homo, and I’d f*cking love me some sweet Liam Hemsworth tail.
