I’m pretty sure that everyone has been asked the seemingly millennia-old question “If you were stranded on an island, what three things would you want to have with you, and why?” Well, I could be pretty fu*king obvious and say things like “Lifetime supply of freshwater”, or “Fully-stocked lifeboat, with directions to civilization”. However, I’ll answer the question in a non-douchebag way, and give you some real answers.
Okay, I’ll set it up. I was buzzed on a cruise, enjoying my hunky masseuse going ever so lower, and lower, and lower… But then BOOM! Iceberg, right in the middle of the Caribbean. The ships a total goner, and so is everyone else, but, I somehow manage to gracefully float on my back, although unconscious, to a deserted island. I can almost swear I could remember dolphins guiding my body to land, clicking and whistling in my ear, assuring my safety. Amazing creatures.
As I crawled onto shore, regaining my consciousness, I took in my surroundings. I was on a sun-bleached beach, looking into the silent, dark jungle that stood only yards ahead of me. Then, I realized I’m covered with sand, and am super uncomfortable. So I turned around, and walked back into the ocean to rinse off a bit. Before I head back to the beach, I spot the sunlight reflecting off something in the near distance. I wasn’t about to go get eaten by some Great White, or somesh*t. So, I just waited for nature to do the work for me, and push whatever the hell it is, up onto shore. After a while of just watching something shiny float towards me, it’s finally close enough to grab. Thankfully, it was a plastic, see-through box, containing a jumbo lighter and a pack of duct tape.
So I was sitting there with a jumbo lighter, and some duct tape, in the scorching island sun, sweating my ass off. Needing shelter fast, I tried to bend and twist bamboo and tree branches off, but they were too pliable. I had to find something sharp, to hack off the materials necessary for my hut to be constructed. I surveyed the beach, hoping for something to remedy my situation, but it was all just a span of blistering white sand. I could feel my skin starting to irritate and redden under the intense UV rays. The only thing there to do was to retreat into the canopied jungle. 
The silence startled me. It was almost as if the whole jungle had no life, like it was just an empty sea of dark green vines hanging from warped and distorted trees. Putting focus back to the problem at hand, I trudged deeper into the jungle, searching rock to rock for one angular enough to hack off the branches with. All of them, however, were perfectly round. Useful, in only bashing my brains in. Losing hope, and kicking the dirt with frustration, I noticed a deep cut into the side of a tree. I look around some more, and find yet another wounded tree. Which leads me on a trail to a large boulder, encompassed by flora of the jungle. Sunlight escapes through the canopy, and lands upon a long-dead skeleton. Through his decaying clothes I could see the broken ribs which, I assume, was his reasoning for being a skeleton perched up against a rock.
A breeze flurried by, and blew dust straight into my eyeballs. As I blindly panic in pain, I wack my head against something jetting out of one of the trees. Once I’m done sobbing, I looked up to see what I needed to cuss out in retaliation. Anger, turned to sweet lifesaving ecstasy, once I pulled the dead dude’s centuries-old scimitar out of the tree trunk.
I now had the perfect tool to start chopping sh*t down. So I followed the wounds back to where I was, and resurfaced at the beach. The sun was going down fast, so I had to get the lead out of my ass, and get to work. An hour or so later, and I was putting my finishing touches on a makeshift tent. The tape kept everything in position nicely, so I wasn’t worried to focus on something else for a while, which was, of course, fire. I went out and used what was left of my strength to carry rocks back to the homestead. Once I built the pit with the rocks, and chopped up some more wood, I pulled out my handy-dandy jumbo lighter and lit that bitch up. In a good time, too, because the night sky made itself abundantly clear.
The night went on, and I was all nice and warm by the fire. I looked down the moonlit beach, expecting a long strand of pure white, with the waves slowly kissing the shore. However, this time was different. Instead of just the blank beach, I saw two small dark blobs. They were bobbing in multiple directions, but were making their way to me. I grab my sword, and getting amped up to fight some dog-sized poisonous scorpions, or rabid Spider Monkeys. I’m ready to attack, when some fat crabs come up on me. I was pretty hungry, so I hacked them to death, cooked their meaty insides, and slurped on the juices of a coconut I smashed against a rock.
Morning came, and I was done with my little “vacation”. As the sun rose over the island, I was up and moving. I gathered up heaps, and heaps of bamboo from the jungle. I fastened them all together with some more of the duct tape, to make a raft. Gathered up some coconuts, grabbed my scimitar, and set off to sea. Thankfully, I’d installed an awning made out of palm leaves, to shade me from the sun. I coasted for days, surviving only on coconuts, and the one already-dead fish I was able to snatch out of the water. On the 7th day of my seafaring voyage, I was weak. I could see a ship a ways away, but could hardly move from malnutrition. I shed a tear, coming to terms with dying in my own filth on a raft. The drop splashed into the water, and echoed through the ocean. Just as my last shred of hope was peeling away, I felt the raft lurch forward at full speed! Scared and confused, I turn around, but start beaming with joy, as my dolphin brethren clicked and whistled, assuring me of my safety.
Well, that’s my answer. Those are the three things I’d want, if I were stranded on an island. A lighter, some duct tape, and a sword.
