Birthdays are amazing. It’s the one day a year where you can be a self-absorbed b*tch, and no one’s going to hate on you for it, because HELLO it’s YOUR birthday! You get bouncy houses, cakes, and presents! Your name is sprawled upon banners in every corner, your favorite color on every balloon. People basically throw cash at you, in the form of musical birthday cards, playing blips of all your favorite songs. Sounds great, right? Yeah, well, I never got any of that.
Nope, I didn’t have packs of kids screaming around my backyard, wearing party hats, and spraying silly string. Or the grand table, where all of your gifts are stacked into a giant pyramid depicting your greatness. Or even a simple clown for entertainment. No, none of that ever made even a slight cameo in any of my birthdays.
In fact, the only birthday “party” that I remember from my childhood, was at none other than Burger King. We all sat at a booth, my dinner was a burger probably laced with horse meat. Family members came and dropped off cards, but were sure as hell out of there a second later. My only friends around were my parents. My party hat was replaced with a flimsy mustard-yellow crown, advertising whatever lame movie that was about to hit theaters.
I still enjoyed myself, however. I mean, anything is better than nothing. And, I was like 7 years old, so easily excitable and impressed. It’s just that growing up, you’d see all those stereotypical birthdays in the movies, or you’d see your friends having them. You’d get RSVPs in the mail, and wonder why that was never done for you, too. It all just made me feel like I missed out on something special. Like a rite of passage, or some sort of defining moment in childhood.
I’m sure that I’m just over-exaggerating. I obviously still turned out magnificently today, but that doesn’t erase that longing inside of me for an actual birthday party. So, this year is going to be the big one. I’m going to have everything I’ve always wanted. Maybe about 15 years too late, but there’s going to be bouncy houses, streamers, and a giant cake with my name on it. Plus, there’s going to be 22 candles, so I can legally do all this sh*t while boozed off my ass. So, if you like chocolate cake, drunk boys, and puke covered inflatable castles, then you’re totally invited! Expect your RSVP in the mail!
