I can still see myself hoppin’ into Mrs. K’s front seat. Had my Justin boots on, so I was totally thinking that I looked super cute. Except I was also wearing skinny jeans, and I was like 80 pounds fatter than I am now. So… let’s just say that back then I was totally blissfully unaware of the tragedy that was my entire appearance.
Anyways, Mrs. K was my agriculture teacher, and she’s taking a classmate, Elyn, and myself to go score us some prime grade-A heifers. Being a king, of course, I called shotgun, and sent little Miss Elyn straight to the backseat. Which was almost instant-regret, because the b*tch got to snooze comfortably the entire 6 hour drive deep into BFE; in search of the fabled golden dairy that was harboring our soon-to-be prized cows.
You see, Elyn and I were FFA kids. We raised cute little farm animals, took ‘em to the county fair, where we’d sell them to the highest bidder, and then they’re practically shoved into the meat grinder like 2 seconds later for mass consumption. Beautiful isn’t it? But, hey we got these cool little blue ribbons to make it all worthwhile.
After an eternity of my ass cheeks falling asleep, the truck finally rolls up on the dairy, and it f*cking REEKS. Thousands of cows just letting out rope after rope of slimy hot turds as far as the eye can see. The stench made my eyes water, and months of training my gag reflex went straight down the drain.
We get to the field where the heifers were, and they’re all presented to us. I, being a king, called dibs on the most perfect caramel-colored little cow the world has ever seen. Meanwhile, I forget what happened exactly with Elyn, but all I know is that she got stuck with this atrocious, off-colored, scrawny-ass excuse for a cow. Being an as*hole, I couldn’t keep myself from laughing uncontrollably, while she was literally on the verge of tears, because her cow was just THAT alarmingly hideous in comparison with my little beauty, and I loved every second of it.
Elyn and I were rivals from like day one, so any chance I had to knock the b*tch down a peg I gleefully took, and vice-versa. It was all about who had the better car, better grades, and now it was who had the better cow, and goddamn I was already winning by a landslide.
I spent months caring for my baby. I named her Lucy, and we got along just like peas n’ carrots. I taught her all the things a pretty cow should know, and she taught me love and responsibility. Spending each day at the school farm, I grew extremely fond of her. Like, I never had that intense of a ‘friendship’ with an animal. We’d play for hours, she’d nestle her head against me, and I’d sit there and just stroke her soft fur. God, I loved that cow so much.
All good things must come to an end, they say. It was finally time to take Lucy to the county fair, where it’d be our last time being around each other. I spent months training her on how to walk in just the right way, to showcase her best attributes, so that she was more valuable to the bidders.
Even though Lucy was like a drop dead gorgeous bovine, I f*cking lost to Elyn’s gross cow. Apparently, her cow was how the breed was ‘supposed’ to look, and my cow was the one who was different! Like, lady, I don’t give a crap what they’re supposed to look like, my cow was waaaay cuter than any of those other schmucks, and I DESERVED first prize. But, that’s not the way the cookie crumbled, so Elyn got boasting rights, and I had to sit there and just take it.
After the contest, the bidding happened, and I got a nice $3k offer for Lucy. Honestly, If I could’ve, I would’ve kept her. I didn’t care about the money anymore, I cared about my Lucy. But that’s just not how things work in that world. She was bought, and there was nothing more I could do about it.
So, it finally came time to load her up onto her new owner’s truck. Probably one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever had to go through. As I was leading her, she tried playing with me. She tried to nestle her head against me like always. Except this time, I had to push her head away. I couldn’t play with her anymore. This is making me f*cking cry right now! The last I saw of my baby was her being driven off to some unknown place, probably wondering why I wasn’t there with her.
Heavy sh*t, man. I still get worked up over it, and that was 6 years ago. I really bonded with her, unlike any pet I’ve ever had. I would honestly do anything to see my caramel-colored little cow again, just to let her know that I never forgot about her.
