Okay, so these are seriously an addiction. I eat ‘em before I go to work, I eat ‘em before I go home, I eat ‘em in my f*cking dreams. They’re so good, if I had to inject them into my bloodstream, I wouldn’t even hesitate. Egg Bite me the hell up.

Egg Bites are those little cakes of pure deliciousness sold by your local neighborhood drug dealer: Starbucks. I spring for the bacon ones every single time. They take me on a trip to a world where every egg is fluffy, and every strip of bacon is smoked. Each bite creates an intense mouth-gasm, that ripples through my body and out my fingertips, creating intense vibrations, that causes everyone around to be sucked into my gravitational pull of awesomeness, where they experience low-level pulsations of raw ecstasy.

Just like meth, they’re cheap and easy to obtain. Like BOOM! Three minutes, and they’re in my hands, then straight into my gut for sweet, sweet digestion. I honestly don’t even care that they come frozen. For whatever reason, frozen foods freak me out, but Egg Bites have become the exception to the rule. I’d even eat them uncooked, salmonella-induced vomiting has never looked so good. At least then I’d get to taste the Egg Bite over again.

My cravings for them grow exponentially every day. to where I’m prepared to sell all my worldly possessions, and use the cash for some kind of Egg Bite fund. Which will only last for so long, of course. Then I’d have to start selling my body for them, which is well worth it, in my opinion. Getting rammed behind a dumpster in an alley, is a good trade for the momentary satisfaction of devouring those pillows of bacony egginess. Some people might think I’m stupid for it, but then who’s mouth is the one full of Egg Bite? I’m the real winner here. Go try one, and you’ll know exactly what i mean.